6 seasons of Sex in the City and a hand full of job applications later . . .
It’s October and I’m in between the in between career
change. Six months late to be exact. It’s taken me some time to understand that
a full-time job with benefits does not define me. Neither should a part-time or
independent work do the same. But somehow, it still affects my emotions.
I feel undervalued to my counterparts with happy homes and babies. But before throwing in the towel and giving up on building an empire, I’m pushing some last-minute strings to make it happen. Watching Sex in the City surprisingly enough has reminded me of my independent personality and drive to do my own thing as I see fit.
Yeah it’s a fake show. But there’s some truth to it.
Like the pressure as a woman to be a certain way just
because she is X amount old. Or being in a relationship that then leads to the question
where’s the ring? And how long have you been together? Only to disappoint them
with the short not yet response so that they move on to another more hopefully
Aside from that, I’ve come to the acceptance that some dreams require more effort than others. The rest of this year will be dedicated to rebooting my physical health, re-centering my inner being and rejuvenating my partner to his fullest potential.
Because in the end, we are the only constants in our life daily.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Writing new songs.
Building more clients for T.I.
A blueprint for MMA.
Some REAL contact with humans (enough of this closed American
And a whole lot of berry shots and coffee cups in the Morning.
That’s what the Sex in the City gal in me wants to feel proud to be.
A quick glance at a first-generation Mexican American woman living in Fullerton, California with an extensive line of relatives in Michoacán Mexico – an internal cultural struggle and adaptation to finding yourself from the eyes of a natural spiritual seeker. Challenging and beautiful.
I recently took yet another trip to visit family located in the center of Tancítaro, Michoacán Mexico. It is the heart of avocado production; a business my uncle Jorge created from scratch who eventually became the president of agriculture development of the state of Michoacán. Mexicans are a proud race and as such we are over the top proud of our name Viveros which embodies the accomplishments my family has had over the years in the fields of the avocado industry. It is a representation of our determination to better living and the outstanding work ethic we all hold so dearly as a unit.
I was received by my aunt’s delicious mole and an endless number of hugs and welcoming. It’s a tradition whenever the “gringas” show up to what was once our grandparents’ home who are no longer with us.
It wasn’t always like this. See, my parents were looking for
opportunity and a better life when they came to USA back in the mid-80s. They suffered
in extreme poverty and violence at a very young age while living in Mexico. They
took a chance and came here to try to live peacefully. That was their goal and
purpose in life: survival. So, when my father, illiterate and unable to speak
the language, struggled his way into becoming a stable truck driver, his goals
were met. My mother had abandoned her entire family to get away from the
violence she faced. She did her best in raising three children alone with a man
she met twice before getting married. It was the only escape she could see at
the end of the tunnel.
Fast forward to my life today. I’d like to think of myself as an educated fast-paced learner with hunger for knowledge and growth. I never knew what it was like to not eat for three days straight. I never knew what it was like to work at the age of 8 to try to provide for my siblings. I never knew what it felt like to be afraid of being deported and discriminated against because I didn’t have “papers”. This was their world and my world has been completely different because of their sacrifice.
My connection with my parents and feeling what they feel has
been both a blessing and a curse. Painful experiences can damage one’s soul. Not
many can recover from it or know how. A blessing because I get to see and live
both sides of the coin. Visiting family brings me so much joy and reminds me of
my roots. It brings warmth and a reminder of how important family is. Sometimes
I feel like Mexico is my home and that it’s where I belong.
At the same time, I can’t imagine living there. The dangers of the civil war going on are real. The comfort of an American lifestyle was the peace my parents wanted for me. I find myself constantly confused about what I am most, Mexican or American. My heart stays with my family in Mexico but my strength carries over to the U.S. determined to become something more significant.
I want to bring more to the table and create purpose with intent. I want to add “published writer” and “humanitarian” to our name. I want to give back to communities and help those who need it the most. In the U.S. and in Mexico. We shouldn’t just learn and move on. I believe that for all of us, our purpose in life is not only to break bad habits, but to make sure we all rise together as individuals and as one. Whether you are a first-generation Mexican American man or a fifth-generation American woman, we are all responsible for each other’s lives, not just our own. First help yourself. But, don’t ever forget to help others second. That’s the most important action for slowly creating an active utopia and ending self-sabotage for future generations to come.
These last six months have flashed right before my eyes in what
felt like micro-seconds. What’s next?
I’ve been asked a lot of different questions after quitting
my full-time job as an administrator of claims. Why did you quit? Do you have
another job lined up? What do you do if not work? What are you planning to do? What
are you going to do about money? Is your boyfriend okay with it?
They were like sharp miniature knives going through my lungs and up to my heart. I can’t even remember what my responses were.
Well, here they are now, six months later and with intent.
I quit because I was sad. I also quit because I could. As I’ve
mentioned in a previous blog, I hit a tipping point in my life where chasing
money just didn’t make sense anymore. I had so much unresolved baggage that crumbled
me to the point of wanting non-existence. I couldn’t smile. I couldn’t fake it
anymore. I withdrew silently, and no one noticed. A perfect scenario for self-implosion.
No, I didn’t have another job lined up. I didn’t find it
productive to go backwards and be miserable somewhere else.
What did I do the last six months? Where do I start! I cried and stayed in bed for days immediately after I quit. I felt like a failure. I felt like I was disappointing my family and my boyfriend. I couldn’t breath most days and for the most part, I was lost and trying to convince myself I did the right thing.
I went to Iceland alone. Hiding in my apartment wasn’t
enough for someone trying to run away from her problems. I wanted to disappear without
doing the deed. I rented a car and drove through the narrow roads of the 1
highway all through the south where the greenest mountains I have ever seen in
my life live. I wrote. I meditated. I drank the purest water and I found my
I continued to write songs and practiced most days as soon as I got back. I had sessions with my producer and went into the studio to continue recording. I learned that as much as I practice, my nerves take the best of me. My confidence determines my performance and I learned it’s what I need to sing well. I learned everything there is to know about the music business. From what it takes to make a record, to marketing, PR, sales and networking. I even learned about the legal affairs that go into music and finances. I can say with confidence that I am a “how music works” encyclopedia at this point.
I worked on my very own music video. Finally shot some of
the scenes over the weekend and although stumbling to get there, it was a beautiful
experience. I learned about filming, videography, crew, production, directing
and just about everything else needed for a well-rounded shoot.
I worked on my website. I wrote blogs just like this one and every time I “work on it”, I learn something new.
I started working towards interpreting and translating again. After being terrified and giving up, I went back to it. I studied on and off for the certification which I plan to take this year. I took paid and unpaid interpreting assignments and I realized I’m more than capable of doing it.
I trained in MMA. Maybe not as much as I wish I did. But 3-4 times a week for 2-3 hours each day was the pattern. Cardio, Muay Thai, Kickboxing, Boxing, Brazilian Ju Jitsu. All of it (except no gi, maybe this year?).
I spent time with my mom and nephew. Most Wednesdays, I
would help babysit and saw this little tiny human grow into this beautiful six-month-old
baby whose teething and pooping by the minute.
I helped finish Mark’s website. Check it out! mdfmusic.org. I learned about fundraising opportunities and growth.
I planned to be happy again and feel stronger. Sometimes it feels like I did. Other days you can’t really tell. Looking back, I’m so much better than what I was then. I can talk to people and be genuine again. I finish what I start and physically I feel like a billion dollars.
Money! A terror turned into a tool. I had a savings that I
decided to use for this time off and I’m so happy I took the risk and did it. I
invested in myself and what I love. Every penny was worth it. I work smart and my
boyfriend and I made sure we stayed above water with flying colors.
And my boyfriend? Was he okay with it? He was more than okay with it. My lifeline and the most supportive human being on this planet. He’s one of the kindest most generous people you can meet. Anyone who doesn’t see it is blind with their own image. He supports everything I do and believes I’ll have a remarkable success story no matter what path I choose. He is love.
And finally, what’s next? Savings run out. Bills need to be
paid. My multiple “businesses” are start-ups and my deadline has arrived.
A few job opportunities await. Most importantly, my EP “No Longer Invisible” is COMPLETE. It’s the strangest most wonderful feeling. I have never felt this accomplished in my entire life! I can now work towards distribution and marketing. In the meantime, I will be a temp as an administrator once more. My heart did sink deep when I made this decision. But it’s funny how the universe works when you speak to it. This is how this happened.
I was having a conversation with my boyfriend about my
deadline and financial options. I told him that the only way I would ever return
to the claim’s world was if they paid me way more money than I was originally
making and if it was from home or temporary. Six months tops. That’s it. That would
be the ONLY scenario. He laughed with certainty like if he knew it could happen
and he said okay.
It wasn’t more than two days later when some recruiter reached
out to me and guess what. Offers me more money for a six-month contract. Dumb-founded
I now struggle my way into that position because I said I would, and the
universe has spoken.
My boyfriend put it in the best words possible. “God is giving you a second chance to make your dreams come true”.
We are letting it be and listening to our hearts. I love
that. Because doing this automatically grants us success in anything we do. Even
in what looks like “failures”.
With more money comes more investment opportunity. As a fan of Suze Orman and her work, I have learned so much about managing money correctly such as staying out of poor home debt or how to invest in your dream job. I honestly recommend her story to all the women out there who wish to be independent and financially strong. She has multiple books with great incite on financial stability.
Aside from that, I hope this also encourages you to take the time to silence your thoughts and listen to your voice. It has helped me copiously on finding my passion once more and I have no doubt in my mind it can do the same for you.
For me, 2018 marks the end of self-doubt. I made a drastic
change after hitting rock bottom and decided to go full blast on dreams and
aspirations. An immediate learning curb took place and reality of it meant hard
work and time management WAS and IS going to be essential for success.
I learned I was internally wounded and set time aside to
make sure I didn´t continue to hurt those around me.
I learned my soul does not belong trapped in a cubicle.
I learned failing many times helps become a well-rounded
I learned how to sleep. Yes, sleep!
I learned to focus on what I love – training in MMA, creative
and songwriting, interpreting and helping those who need help the most.
I learned that although my family broke, it does not mean we
Most importantly, I learned not to stress over circumstances I cannot control.
The importance of reflection throughout the year can bring a lot of correction on how you want to live. I think it’s a practice we should learn to have especially during times we are struggling. A lot of people around me my age are having their second baby and have stable careers. My heart aches for the cuteness of it all. But, at the same time, I know I am not meant to be on that path yet. That is a different kind of struggle and joy. To be a parent and balance life and work. Sleepless nights and routine work days to make sure your children are raised in the best environment possible. Parents are superheroes on steroids. I’m happy to see my friends create these homes, but I know my journey does not entail this wonderful lifestyle just yet.
Putting a family and home on HOLD by choice is not easy. Especially when it’s all you see around you. But it is clear to me that taking risks and finding passion in what I do is more important than anything else in the world. I can always fall back on a 9-5 job because I’ve done it. Despite the stigma behind it, I can choose to have my first baby in my 30s because that’s when I know I’ll be ready. Society does not and should not dictate who you are or what you need to do. We are all just a life passing through this world and as time goes by, so does our ability to live a full and happy life. I can still remember writing the date 01/21/1998 back in Charles Bursch Elementary school during a spelling bee test. Fast forward and press play to 2019 and I’m still dreaming the same dreams: on stage performing, traveling the world, writing and publishing, connecting on a large scale with the poor, meeting new people and helping them on their journey. I mean, who day dreams that daily and does not act on it? Me, for 20 years. It’s time.
So, lets go 2019!! Checklist:
Vocal coach on deck 🎤
EP & Music Video Release!🎶
Sub Publishing deal what’s up? 💸
LIVE show somewhere somehow! 💃
State and Federally Certified Interpreter (why not? My concussion symptoms were SO like, years ago) 🤝
Software and technology time – in Music and Translating (home studio woot woot) 🎛⚖
Mark Daniel’s Foundation – fundraising ideas in ACTION! 💰
My goals fully exposed! YUP! Why?
“Don’t tell people your plans. Show them Your results”
“Work hard in silence. Let success make the noise”
“Achieving permanent goals in silence is better than
displaying temporary feelings in public…”
I see and hear theses sayings all the time. But WHY? Why do you have to be quiet about your goals? Why are we all socially connected but spiritually disconnected? Why are we afraid to FAIL and have people see us FAIL? Why can’t I share with you my thoughts? Why should I let fear of judgment stop me?
Cant’s and Don’ts have been in my vocabulary for SO LONG! I’ve
learned to say, “why not?” to all of it and it is getting me to places I
thought I would never reach! I invite all of you to try it 😊
I think it’s better to help each other through success and failure.
Have dialogue. Tell each other the good and the bad. Build tolerance and really
HEAR what we are saying, without blindly moving on.
Together let’s try to make 2019 about REAL connections, not profile ones!