Sex in the City and Me

6 seasons of Sex in the City and a hand full of job applications later . . .

It’s October and I’m in between the in between career change. Six months late to be exact. It’s taken me some time to understand that a full-time job with benefits does not define me. Neither should a part-time or independent work do the same. But somehow, it still affects my emotions.

I feel undervalued to my counterparts with happy homes and babies. But before throwing in the towel and giving up on building an empire, I’m pushing some last-minute strings to make it happen. Watching Sex in the City surprisingly enough has reminded me of my independent personality and drive to do my own thing as I see fit.

Yeah it’s a fake show. But there’s some truth to it.

Like the pressure as a woman to be a certain way just because she is X amount old. Or being in a relationship that then leads to the question where’s the ring? And how long have you been together? Only to disappoint them with the short not yet response so that they move on to another more hopefully important topic.  

Aside from that, I’ve come to the acceptance that some dreams require more effort than others. The rest of this year will be dedicated to rebooting my physical health, re-centering my inner being and rejuvenating my partner to his fullest potential.

Because in the end, we are the only constants in our life daily. And I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Writing new songs.

Building more clients for T.I.

A blueprint for MMA.

Some REAL contact with humans (enough of this closed American lifestyle).

And a whole lot of berry shots and coffee cups in the Morning.

That’s what the Sex in the City gal in me wants to feel proud to be.

M.

Chaos Within

Blogs don’t write themselves. Here’s the thing, I’m not a planner. There’s a plus and minus to it. Spontaneity can be exciting, but it can also cause some unexpected hurdles. This time it fell through the cracks.

I envisioned my summer to be full of mixed martial arts training, creative writing, freelance work and travel. Mostly training to compete this year. I thought I was ready and couldn’t wait for it.

And then I got injured.

Not a specific injury like I initially thought. It was more like a physical body shut down in its entirety type of injury.

Seriously?

Timing is just the weirdest thing. Why Now?! And what does it mean?

Nothing most likely. It just means that I pushed too hard and didn’t recover after each session the right way.

Art by
Kumi Yamashita

So now I’m stuck without my addiction and get to suffer for it. Pretty dramatic. But it has been the only activity that allows me to breathe and clear my mind daily. Without it, I’ve reverted to an unhappy self.

I’m indecisive and negative. There’s “cant’s” and “won’t” in my daily vocabulary again. I’m in dislike with my own presence.

Usually I run away when it gets this bad. Like a teenager who wants attention and storms out of a room.

Sometimes I think that if I were to just have children, I would be forced to suck it up and tend to them. They would be my world and worth the sacrifice to nurture and love. Remember love? Like my boyfriend, he is love.

But wait. You need to be mentally capable and financially stable in order to raise a human being.

So, what’s left is this lingering self-hatred that just needs to evaporate already. Shut up. Stop with the why me tyranny. And perhaps you might find something worth living for. Like the universe.

The vast amount of empty space is more than just room for thought. What if it’s there to keep your mind open and clear? And the stars and galaxies are daily achievable milestones you can reach every second of every day that you decide to be okay.

As seen from Space – NASA

Forwards or backwards. No matter what. When you realize that the minute you look up at the sky directly above you. Especially at night. You realize there is always a star directly above you. No matter how far or close it is. It shines directly onto you no matter where you stand.

Suddenly, your problems aren’t as heavy as you thought they were. You wake up to your child’s laughter and smile. Drive patiently to your meeting and drink your coffee. Stand outside your home for a minute just to take a breather. Tune your guitar, pick up the damn thing, and play. All because you can, and you will. The universe said so.

M.