A little over two months have passed since I abandoned financial security.
I feel like a weight has been lifted. The air is fresher and my soul is resting. My heart is free to choose where to go and I’m learning to RELAX. I stressed 24/7 throughout school, college, work. Thinking constantly I needed to move along. Funny thing is I never had a destination. I always felt the need to work hard and never stopped to think what or why it needed to be done. I guess it comes from my father’s hard work ethic and overwhelming desire for economic stability. He had a point to some extent. In his situation, an immigrant with zero education and without a father, he learned to survive. Only to survive and nothing more. I could write a million lines about his life. And my mother…
But it’s not all grandiose. I knew I was going to face internal struggle along the way. It’s not me if I’m not fighting myself. Insecurity, lack of confidence, panic, desolation; that’s all still present. It has just transformed. It has become a power source and it’s taking all of my energy to gear it towards the right direction. Oh! and the dominant monster in the closet; doubt. Right direction? Maybe. I hit a crossroad every day where I then ask my inner voice, “where to now?” You can easily get lost in your thoughts. In fact, they dominate our daily life choices. So I trace back to what I set out to do earlier this year. I’m no longer chasing and just being. Being requires stopping your thoughts and listening to what your heart is telling you.
I can no longer keep myself inside this introvert skin that I’ve built over the years. Silence does not mean loneliness. Money does not mean power. Politics does not mean people. Friendships do not mean cliques. And living? I’ll have to live to find out what it means. You can only read books and watch movies for so long… for a concept like that. It’s more worth it to go out and experience it.
M.