2 months without a creative outlet. Doing the routine thing.
That daily traffic drive.
The alarm going off hourly to remind me to get up and stretch.
Litigating my own cases because I don’t trust attorneys.
Systematically on point and focused; one task at a time.
Forgetting what it’s like to feel inspired.
I’m not proud.
I’m accepting of some of my circumstances.
The inability to train is not one of them. I miss it so much. So I bitch about it.
Playing my guitar. God. Playing. My. Guitar and Singing.
It doesn’t debilitate me like it used to. Maybe because I’m so in tune with my darkness which allows me to understand that I have it good.
I knew emotional blood. Now I run the physical ache train.
Just another brain MRI.
And for what? To be told what may or may not be.
What I want is to enjoy good food and not be afraid of falling asleep every night.
I want to feel like people love me.
When most of them really don’t.
Most. Not my mother. She loves me so much.
Her pain is in my DNA. It shapes me to be better each day.
So, I ask you. With all this turmoil. And disagreement. Panic and inability to communicate.
Self-absorption and unwillingness to sacrifice for others. Protectors of family but not life.
Are we that disconnected? And careless? To not see how many children are abused in homes next to us? To not see political agendas ruining our lives? To not see government “budgets” robbing us DAILY? To not see real threats like climate change and chemical substances causing cancer in our shampoos and soaps? To not see broken systems in EVERY industry that runs OUR lives? To not see poverty in cities which we abandon and don’t help progress? To not see YOU and I are part of the problem? To not see that what you think doesn’t affect you actually has you shackled by your ankles, blindly walking but never moving forward?
Or I’m wrong. And it’s all in my head. That’s what the MRI scan is for. To tell me I’m wrong and maybe. Just maybe. To set me free. Away from human error and closer to the stars so that my weight can finally be lifted.