At 23 years old, I made the decision to leave a two year abusive relationship. Some friends helped me get through the detox and eventually invited me to try a kickboxing class for “therapy”. Once I stepped on the mat, it felt like I never left. I stayed and became a dedicated Student if you will (those who know, know). Cardio kickboxing turned into Muay Thai classes and sparring. When I turned 27 years old, I began thinking about fighting in the ring. Why not? I was so shy and wasn’t sure who to confide in. Eventually I chose a coach who I thought had the best Muay Thai technique. We talked and he encouraged me to first try a jiu jitsu tournament to experience what it’s like without the danger of getting really hurt during a fight. So I did. I started training all classes to prep for jiu jitsu just so I can go back and try fighting. Then it happened: first major injury from rolling on my neck during an opening drill. It put me out for over a year. I returned in 2021 pretty unmotivated for any fight but willing to take the classes again. I trained, I healed, I got back on track with reps of all kinds.

But enough about that. About training. I can talk shop all day. But what was really happening underneath it all? This isn’t a trauma or survivor story. I was GOOD still even with all the life happenings we all go through. What changed everything was so unexpected: I became single. This simple change in relationship status created a ripple effect of all sorts of future vulnerability and exposure to harm. I was so caught up coping and suppressing everything real. I fell into the loop of Chaos. I switched gyms naively and became as robotic as they get. While on the backend I was quietly getting ripped into shreds. But what do you expect? This is a combat sport. Everyone in there is fighting their demons until they are not.

So after finally competing my first jiu jitsu competitions at 33 years old, I felt zero accomplishment. Nothing. I was a walking zombie waiting for the next. Ideal for a fight right?

The thing is, loss of identity will lose you in ways only those tied in fanatic circles eventually understand. Here’s where it gets weird. I became my environment so much so, that no one wanted to be around me. And I honestly didn’t want to be around anyone else. I became on edge and constantly fighting myself within these walls. At the same time, it wasn’t me. Something else had officially taken over and it bled into my world outside of the gym. I trusted no one and nothing around me. The positive? I trusted me. Everything else? An illusion and sense of power that was not with good intentions. It is a combat sport, I keep reminding myself, what did you expect?

I felt like the more alone I was, the safer and more control I had. My surroundings kept trying to pull me into romantic relationships or having fun (which failed miserably). I finally realized I wanted to take a break from it all. My mental health was at jeopardy and I knew the only way to get my life back was stepping away from the mats.

The repercussions were pretty severe and that solidified that I was in the wrong place. I left and coped with the change as best as possible but felt pretty lost along the way. Drinking, scouting, uneasy withdrawals of not being on the mats every day. It was brutal, but if I could get passed the threshold, I knew I’d be okay. I looked for family, my non gym friends, strangers and everything in between.

The night that changed my life and officially released me from whatever was holding me hostage came and went through the strongest sober vision I’ve ever witnessed. As I lay awake on my bed, something or someone lifted my arm causing the blanket to hit the ceiling above me. It froze for a split second. I then pulled it back and it returned only to be ripped away from me. I looked towards my bedroom door and saw three floating black entities dressed in black cloaks with blue energy. Shocked, in fear, a sense of being in trouble took over my nervous system all at the same time. I was so afraid and startled, I remember gesturing once more upward pleading “them” to go away. I faced my window and covered myself with the same blanket they took. This overwhelming Peace came over me. They released me and a weight lifted. I felt a cold calm take over my body. My windows turned into a field of red roses with tall grass. I saw me walking in the middle of the fields wearing my black rash guards I’d usually train with. I was dead and had gone to heaven. That is what it felt like. Needless to say, I did not fall back asleep for days. Everything after that felt like my life hit the restart button. Whatever that was, it gave me the opportunity to live my life all over again and I’ve remained grateful and unworthy of the experience. I now know my life is indispensable but not in a “I know” sense. It’s hard to explain. It’s more like every day I can’t believe I’m still here. I feel joy and excitement of what’s next. Because I know this ride we call life is short. I feel it in my bones.

It’s important to know the good and the bad of anything you love doing. The hard part is letting it all go. Knowing the expiration date. What it means to be a healthy version of you is sacrificing the thing that helped you cope. It is not to say I am not grateful. I am. To all my teammates. To my coaches. To the family dynamic they try to create. I may not agree on a lot of decisions these sports leaders make, but I sure as hell understand the reasoning behind it. I think the safest thing we can do is to have each others back and be honest when the time comes. With everyone. Not just in clicks but in all areas of our life. All we have is each other. It’s funny how being part of a group helps us feel like we are part of something, but the very same concept is what divides us… Did you notice that? Ponder that. Maybe a new sense of belonging shouldn’t be the cool kids. Or the strong family. Or one religious community. Maybe it’s just all of us living and breathing the same toxic air until God says we’re done. I don’t know why I was chosen to see Death up close and personal. But I would like to think that we are all capable of not taking life for granted and making the most out of it, whatever that looks like for you. It’s possible.

So, here we are. Back on the mats conservatively but also positively again. With a new focus: how do you un-train an athlete safely? I’m about to find out.

M.