Numb-free since August 2021
It hasn’t been pretty. There’s a lot of excess shedding going on and vulnerability. I’d call this next Chapter of my life “How to be Human Again”. Getting constant feelings regularly and always changing with no interruption is a hella tricky business.
I’m learning what children with proper care learn to do at an early age. When X happens, feel this and react like this. I’m assuming?
In retrospect I’m redefining what it means to be a good person without sacrificing MY needs. My entire life I’ve tried to fit the “good girl” bill. In relationships, career choices, family affairs. When in reality, that good girl concept is a total delusion with no weight on the true meaning of what it means to live a fulfilling life.
I’m aware now that the most important qualities we can hold are that of honesty, passion and self-care. Our intentions to care for each other will shine through once we achieve self-value and love.
And even that. Self-Value? It looks so different to me now than what I thought it was. I’m getting rid of these social constructs of what “Value” is.
To me, value now means sharing moments and connections with love, respect, and honesty. But also, when boundaries are crossed, whether it be emotional or physical, putting an immediate stop to it to protect yourself from harm.
Things change. GOD, we say that a lot. But really think about it in a deeper level. EVERYTHING IS CONSTANTLY CHANGING. Emotions are temporary. Health is temporary. Life is borrowed. This very second. Done.
When you conceptualize this and really understand what that means for you in your unique situation, lifestyle takes a drastic shift.
You slowly start becoming who you want to be on a daily and commit to honor what your Soul wants to carry out.
And that lost and scared feeling that you’ve lived with most of your life starts to debilitate. Anxiety gone. What depression? What PTSD? I’m symptomatic in many ways still but its ME.
At the end of it, the most powerful knowledge I’ve gained throughout this healing process is this.
I will lose control again throughout this journey. The dark part of me that sends me on a spiral to a pretty fucked up place is ingrained in me. So it’s almost certain Ill end up there again a few more times in my life. But at the end of it, I can always get my control back.
That fact. Is soooo powerful. You can always gain your control back. No matter how many times you lose it.
It’s fucken brilliant. Simple. Maybe just words to you for now. But when you feel it in your essence, it just brings the biggest smile to my face. Knowing how powerful I really am. Which means that you can be to. Or probably are already.
Here’s to joining the WOKE life.
M.
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