Sunday nights use to drain me the most. Knowing that I was going to face yet another week of desk work while my heart deteriorated.
So, what’s the excuse this time? I’ve been fighting long and hard to create the world I want to be in. This weekend was a reminder of what I will never have control over.
Like my parents visiting on separate days because they will never be able to be in the same room with each other.
Like the fact that I depend on training physically in order to be free of my internal emotional aches.
Like getting numb is a part of my life forever and everything that I do from here on out is just finding ways to alleviate it.
I also began to think about how artists are perceived by the public. As if they are these selfish creatures thinking of nothing but themselves. Complaining about everything and “feeling” too much. If you have a fucked-up life than you’re the ideal candidate for creativity, right?
The truth? I hate being in the public eye and tried my best to stay out of it. I liked being a ghost because nothing mattered to me. I smiled every day and would invite friends out so that they could mingle. I liked seeing others happy. It made me feel like I was a part of something. My fucked-up life may have given me a tool for creativity. But it doesn’t define me as an artist. I did this because I know pain is universal. I can’t think of a single human who hasn’t suffered. It’s the musicians, the singers, the painters the graphic designers, the writers, etc.… that know how to channel an emotion and create something visual or audible for you to relate to.
At least for myself, that’s why I finally decided to pursue this. Why box up feelings? Why pretend to smile when you’re having a shitty day? Why do we commit our children to be educated and ready for a career but fail to teach emotional management?
I don’t know. Maybe some of you already know this. Maybe some of you do not agree.
At the end of each day when you’re getting ready to sleep, you take your demons with you. I can tell you from experience that letting them out throughout the day can give you a more peaceful night’s sleep.
And for now, I’ll continue to write. For peace of mind and to hold your hand and say, let’s keep going.
M.