Being that it is my first post since 2020, I was unsure of what to share. Nothing new here. Nothing you have not already seen or heard. I think.
Attempts to gather my thoughts is like trying to collect the loose copper flying around our atmosphere. Copper we sent out in the first place and decided to leave scattered; no remorse.
I look back at my life in stages. Bundled based on mental health and living arrangements. Commitment is not my forte and part of that has everything to do with the instability I have instilled in my being. But I have progressed. Significantly since the last time I drowned myself in self-pity and sorrow.
And through the improvement came the realization that guilt kills more than pain itself. Guilt. Shaped in multiple forms creeping into your veins and setting camp for eternity.
Don’t get it twisted. I am all for balance. I understand the notion that there is such thing as bad so there’d be such thing as good (JF QUOTE, SONG: GOD FOREVER JOHN <3) but why do we allow bad to surpass?
I sometimes think about the women in my life, or lack of. And it seems to be a reoccurring theme. One did not do damage. They almost all did. And it was not my fault. I can say that now, but for years I blamed myself for my inability to communicate with other women.
And it took some time to note that in fact, sometimes as women we put our insecurities onto other women. So long as they are not within our “click”. Why? I had so much of this happen to me that eventually I absorbed it. I allowed them to make me feel awful about myself. Whether it was through gossip or bad looks. What seems minor accumulated to me believing I was garbage.
Women crushing me one spiteful energy after another. I eventually stopped forming relationships with them. Imagine that? As a woman feeling alone surrounding myself with men because they at least allowed me to be genuine.
Now that I am older I do hold on to the few wonderful women in my life. Although I still fear reactions that might take place if I do or say the wrong thing. But I’m learning to remain faithful to who I am. Threat to you or not. I do not blame myself for that. As my confidence grows to what it use to be, I hope to empower and provide strength especially to women who are lost or in need of a foundation to step on.
Sounds like I did have a few things to get off my chest. I look upon familiars and my ancestors to bring me strength and to remind you that we are connected – we can change beautifully into bright blue warmth. And toss all that vindictive attitude down the gutter. Where it belongs.
M.