Creative Self and Acceptance

I’ve been watching a lot of Dr. Jordan Peterson’s talks lately. Specifically on the psychology of creativity and psychedelics in clinical settings.

My Ketamine experience has had a drastic impact on what it means for me to be human. It has also developed a curiosity into the realm of abstract materials and its realism. Thus, making me further explore the meaning of self and how it relates to society.

I’ve always considered myself as a “creative” but never sunk into its form. For whatever reason (social norms, flawed systems in education, debilitating institutions, the shunning of creatives as a “real” job, etc. . . ), I became adamant to get a stable job and make enough money for California living. A goal that belongs to (as Jordan Peterson put it), the conservative low risk, low reward individual. I tried so hard to be this person and accomplished it. I secured an 80K salary and stable career with opportunity of continued economic growth. To many, as it should be, that’s the dream.

I hated myself for not being happy. I hated myself for not accepting this to be a positive successful career path and for not feeling fulfilled. Why could everyone in the industry have normal work stress but continue and stay for 25 + years? What was wrong with me? I pushed myself to continue pretending that I could do it. I could be someone else for the rest of my life and “live”.

It took developing PTSD a year into the job, falling into an abyss of self-hate, creating suicide ideation, and becoming irrationally ill to push me off the edge and into some sort of change that needed to happen before it was too late.

 I’ve also always had this soul-searching attitude that annoys the heck out of most conservatives. Until now, with the help of these talks, I can finally see why that is and feel okay about it. For the record, I use the term “conservative” as Dr. Peterson was using it during one of his talks. It refers to practical people who can get the job done and are economically driven. It’s really a compliment and the reason why I was trying so hard to be it.

 In reflection of this post treatment, its satisfying to bring more of an understanding and acceptance of what it means to be an extreme introvert creative. What it means to be me.

A high risk, high reward individual. I climb ladders quickly and get bored. So, I start another adventure. I tend to pursue challenge and new vs established and safe. I am happier when I help someone else. I can’t do a job simply. It must be over the top. Unique. And the best. So I fail more often. Artists are failures. I say I already am one so what is there to lose?

Daydreaming is my home.

That’s more than okay. I’ve started many creative projects and I don’t know where any of them will lead. If anywhere even. But accepting who I am is the highest reward God has allowed me to obtain.

I thank the California Center for Psychedelic Therapy in L.A. for its doctors who took care of me and essentially cured me.

Yes, cured Depression and PTSD. Maybe I’ll do a separate blog on what it’s like to have PTSD and then what it’s like to no longer feel like you have it?? (*next blog idea)

I feel cured. The treatment is still new and long-term effects are unknown. But to date, I’m clear minded. I see and feel differently. I’m connected to nature and to you (in a non-creeper way 😊). I’m confidently me.

With Psilocybin and MDMA in research stages to treat similar psychological ailments, I’m beyond proud of having been part of the early clinical developments of this important work. I hope that if you have read this far, you share this blog with anyone you know struggling with depression, PTSD or anxiety/addictions. It might change their life forever to investigate and start a treatment like this one.

I think that’s all for now.

Best and until I write again. Much Love

M.

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