Momentary Lapse

Icelandic Waterfall Feels and Reminders 2018

The mind shift returns with vengeance momentarily.

There’s still a lot of scars and pain.

I say PTSD free because the thick helmet is gone, and my chest pain is gone. More importantly, the FEAR has kicked rocks far from my immediate body.

But that of the mind is a trick yet to be understood.

There is no instant fix. Or formula for this. I’ve heard opinions. “Go to therapy” “nip it in the bud” “eat better” “surround yourself with positive people” “reach out to a friend” “write”.

Beautiful resources and the intentions are clear. Help fix it.

But none of us react or feel the same way. Product of our upbringing, experiences, DNA uniqueness and social encounters, I cannot be you. And you cannot be me.

We can continue supporting each other by sharing and being present.

As for my status, although much better than where I was, acceptance saved me. But moving forward with it bares more weight than I expected.

How do I move forward with these heightened senses?

Where do I start to uncover the new behavior that is my current self?

Do I even want to be this new me?

Maybe I haven’t accepted it as much as I thought I did. There it is. THOUGHT. The Witcher of our existence.

Until we can accept all that makes up our existence, we cannot live peacefully. The truth. The ugliness. The regrets. That which we had no control of and that which we did and continued to faulter. And the unified suffering that we endure simultaneously.

The thought process that comes with a traumatized brain will be forever. But the dark hole that devours you can have concrete steps so that when you fall in. You are welcome to walk out when you’re ready. So, fall in willingly. Climb out of it with the same momentum. Because time is your best friend. It will take you to safety if you let it.  

M.