So much abuse, so little conversation.
I want to say this about surviving sexual abuse because I’ve noticed through my own experience of learning how to heal, that it’s easy to give up, shut down and isolate during the lows more than not.
It took me 5 licensed psychologists, 3 “prescribed” medications, and several addictions later, to realize that Conventional Therapy does not work for me. Mind you, that understanding felt hallow and shameful. Especially when you have half the world telling you to keep doing it because X.
I can’t be the only one failing at this. Of course, I’m not.
So, here’s what I’ve come to understand thanks to my current guide, Dr. McCowan, the clinical Ketamine therapy sessions I’ve been undergoing, and a book called “The Body Keeps Score”. In 6 months btw. Versus 15 plus years of my life trying to find answers through so many failed attempts at therapy. Yea it can be perceived as good life lessons. But right now, I choose to be angry about all of that time and effort wasted.
Here’s what I need to get off my chest.
Starting with the fact that, complex PTSD due to long-term CHILDHOOD trauma, secondary depression due to generational trauma, and work anxiety are separate little critters. It’s easy to get lost in similar treatments for 3 physiological and psychological states of mind because they typically are discussed in the same sentence. But no. What I can do to help me out of an anxiety attack is absolutely not the same shit I need to do to get out of an Episode. Same with a depressive state. Etc. . . .
Glad my brain understands that now (thank you ketamine).
Two. The main goal of conventional therapy is to help you process whatever trauma you’ve experienced. Whether that be through cognitive behavior therapy, (here, write down a bunch of stuff on a piece of paper and let’s process your emotions), or EMDR. Hey, let’s take you back to your trauma on a weekly basis until you feel less and less distraught about it. If that doesn’t work let’s put you on Prozac and pray to the pharmacy Gods, it helps you function in society.
But what happens when. You don’t remember your Trauma? What happens when. The goal of all of these treatments is to help you reprocess something your memory has erased? Yet your body triggers you because it knows not to allow some crazy shit to happen to you again. So, you go in blind to these sessions and feeling stupid for not being able to follow direction.
Yes finally. From the continued reading of “The Body Keeps Score”. I’m being told. “Chronic childhood abuse causes very different mental and biological adaptations than discrete traumatic events in adulthood”. But for some reason, psychologists, or at least the ones I went to, decided to omit this. And went ahead with treatments that do not apply to me. So the fact that I’m just learning about what my specific needs were based on my situation so that I may recover is upsetting. So here it is. For anyone suffering from childhood trauma where their mind was so powerful that they blocked these memories and continued to try to live a normal life but suffer from complex PTSD. This is what has helped me.
Start with getting a copy of “The Body Keeps Score” by Bessel Van Der Kolk MD. It has given me so many “I knew it” and “I’m not effin crazy” moments. Granted I’m not finished with it, but I’m already so psyched about it, I’m recommending it to anyone who basically lives. I don’t think this is specific to trauma victims at all. You can learn so much about how your mind, body and brain works through time.
Second, patients like me require motion and movement treatment. Meaning, I have to work avidly on activating my sensory stimulation which is why MMA has been a Godsend to me. Activities like Trauma Informed Yoga and dance help as well. Because my memory has been altered and I became hypersensitive, I never learned how to connect emotion to experience. So, I became numb on a daily. Then would get these emotional outbursts after it became too much. But meditation and MMA help regulate my nervous system so that it’s manageable.
Lastly, I would not be here if it wasn’t for Ketamine. Ketamine was the catalyst that returned all my senses to me. It has changed my life forever. I physically felt my brain expand and clear up. The shift in focus and perception has been incredible. It’s like I’m living a life I’ve never lived before. Although it is the beginning of me finally healing, it feels like anything is possible. I can’t even remember the last time I felt “anxious” or “fear” aside from momentary sudden noises. The constant heavy weight and fear, gone after just the first shot. I only suffered one relapse during the holidays, which was essential to transform so I guess it really isn’t a “relapse”. It was the start of me shedding skin and finding myself.
And yes, it’s true. You no longer fear death after going through a guided trip.
I’m having what might be my final shot this weekend. I’ve learned to set intentions prior to the session. It does feel like the beginning of my life unfolding before me. I’m feeling emotions strongly again. I haven’t been numb in a while which feels unnatural. I wonder if people live like this daily. Feeling everything all the time. Maybe not as intensely as me. But I’m optimistic I’ll learn to balance and settle these emotions and provide comfort to anyone around me who needs it.
In time. Looking forward to my next travel destination. And I don’t even have to pack or get on a plane. But it’s the most beautiful destination I have ever travelled to. It’s been inside me all along and I’m learning to tap into it even without Ketamine. To more internal growth 😊
For questions and concerns, contact my physician: me.
M.