Late Night Conversations

It’s impossible for me to sleep tonight.

I just took my first STEM course exam in hopes of setting myself up to one day enter a PhD program in observational Astronomy. Before I get to that you must know. . . I wasn’t always interested in science.

But a couple of years back, during what I shall now call the Dark Era, I found myself searching “universe” jobs. Sleepless nights meant podcasts, books, YouTube. Lying. Just YouTube . . . somehow it brought me to the stars in a profound way and like everything else in my life, I had to be a part of it. Damn ego. Or Self? I can’t just go to a show without thinking, I need to write a new song. I can’t just watch an athlete without being like, I need to go train now. No, it’s “do it yourself” or don’t even get involved. Cursed.

After visiting the Wilson Observatory about a year ago, I felt overwhelmed with the feeling of home. The gentleman that gave us the tour explained he was an amateur astronomer and guided us through each telescope and sight with ease. It was such a small group, so I asked a bunch of questions to get a feel for what the job is like. It turns out, he was initially a physics major. But then life happened. He got married and had kids, so he decided to take the engineering route for “living”. Now, retired, he decided to return to his forever passion, astronomy.

That moment. I’ll never forget. Wow. You get to be up here, in this beautiful mountain every morning, doing God knows what research (like literally searching for God), for the remainder of your years in this human form? I want that (I know he’s a tour guide and astronomers mostly do their work in an office but shhh this was the moment). I must. Be that. Not again… damn curse.

Reader… yea you, one person. I can hear your thoughts. They mirror mine. Dude, just pick one thing. Go be a musician and shut up. Focus on that and be an expert on that. Or better yet, MMA. You train all the time, go teach that. Be an expert and focus. You’ll never get anything done if. HA!

That’s not who I am. I wish I could share how differently I now see the world. The people in it. Purpose. . . .

Knowing that I’m not the only one who crossed over and came back with a new identity. With the Real YOU.

The journey is all that matters. Time. Use it to do what you know is meant for you and . . . I hate sounding like a broken record. With so many self-help quotes, books, movies. Shit. It’s like we hear it time and time again, but it doesn’t sink in. It won’t. Unless you detach yourself from what you think you know already. Those experiences and environment you’ve created for yourself. Yeah, it becomes part of you. And with each new day, there’s like a reset button to your battery. It’s for you to use in the most unique way that will allow you to grow. Not in society or for your family, but in community. If only we learned to live this way . . .

That’s been on my mind lately too. So much. How meaningless “status” really is. Where you live, what home you purchase, what clothes you wear, how much you make. It can become psychological poison if you dedicate your entire life to it. But we’re blindsided because it’s the structure our priors decided to create. Accept it. Consume and produce. Rat trapped in a wheel.

Where was I going with this? That’s right. That exam today. I was nervous/excited and know that I probably didn’t get a perfect score. Okay I definitely didn’t get a perfect score. But I’m so motivated with challenge. That’s just it! I love learning anything new now and have learned to accept that. It’s no wonder I have to be a freelance bee. My freedom has become of utter importance these last couple of months. In relationships and work.

Looking back pre-ketamine, I felt so lost being this way. And limited. In perspective, emotion and thought. I would love to talk more about this, but I’m currently writing a book dedicated solely on the psychedelic experience. So ill refrain.

I don’t have all the answers. I am probably making tons of mistakes. But I finally love it. I love being this version of chaos. Because I intend to stay in motion. After all, that is exactly why we are here.

To keep moving until we have a beautiful death. That sounds dark. But it’s the truth. It’s all Beauty. And it’s all Ugly. At the same time. So, enjoy it because it’s going to end a lot sooner than you think.

Yup, there it is. Take a breath. I have no positive note to add. Just sounds like a perfect way to end this one so blessed night. 😊

M.

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