I might need to relocate sooner than later.
Not to run from or change my situation. Mainly to reset or recharge in some way. Somewhere new where the weight of relationships and finance loosen up a little.
But then the words of my guide come into play. “You can do that in another city or country. But you can also do that here. You know that right?” Annoying how accurate this man is.
I know that good people are capable of doing bad things sometimes and that’s okay. But I’m tired of learning experiences. I’m tired of falling in love. I’m tired of working to eat and never living to play. Most of all. I’m tired of being a first-generations x, y, z where I’m left with the task of changing bad habits into good and being the “positive change” in correction of others and the Self. It’s the loneliest of experiences. It’s like God decided to separate our One Soul into millions of human bodies so we individually just feel lonely all the time because of it. Split by parts of the main essence that gives us life and light. So, we are left with the task of learning how to live incomplete for the rest of our lives.
I’m tired. I sometimes wonder if I’ve really progressed and healed or if I’ve just gone backwards into some toxic void where everything I do and touch causes someone else pain.
I try to think back. A year ago. Maybe two. Where was I? Anxiety filled. Suicidal. Depressed. In bed weeks at a time waiting for nothing and everything to happen. Fuck me. I am much better off. But. How is it that living means accepting the shit situations life throws at you?
I think back on the psychedelic trip I had where I saw all life form. From beginning to end. Mind you there was no start or finish. Yes. Seeing tiny molecules form into people, land and farms. Seeing ancestors create and replicate. And just as fast as it formed, it disappeared right in front of my eyes. Back into these molecules that simmered. Never ending but in remission as if waiting to reform the cycle once more. In seconds.
That centers me sometimes. To know how short and miniscule a life is in comparison to the power of our universe. Just keep living with no regrets. Enjoy moments when they are here and get through the painful ones as gracefully as possible.
But it hurts. We don’t choose who we fall in love with. Love chooses us. And sometimes. That’s enough to destroy even the strongest being alive. That is love at its core. Immense high before it drops you cycles at a time. I guess that’s where the almighty self-love comes in. To save us from the unknown and to keep us safe from our Ego that loves to destroy anything that gets in its way.
Yea self-love. Practice what you preach. The reward will be this: I’ll let the demons come out and play once in a while. But on my terms. No exceptions. Keeping that choice and freewill is what makes life worth living, for the most part. Moving on. So, there’s this song that I’m writing and . . . tbc
M.