With great hotness comes great responsibility.
Yeah, I said it! I’m done. I’m done belittling who I am to make others feel secure. I’m done downplaying my skills, looks or abilities just so people around me don’t feel threatened. In fact. I’m done exposing my personal self-doubts in catering for other’s well-being.
Of course, ideally that’s the case. Long-term patterns are the hardest to break. Lately though, heightened awareness has me scrambling. Because I don’t know how to yet.
Understanding is one thing. Implementing is another.
I’ve heard how discipline is vital for success.
Why can’t I?
MMA has been the one thing in my life I’ve committed to. But somehow, in my own career choices and personal projects, it lacks. Why?
I lose my way constantly. Things change. People come and go. But here I am. Trying to make sure my suicidal thoughts stay at bay. And hoping that the strong emotional weight that comes with those thoughts get felt and nurtured so that I may continue my day-to-day mundane activities like picking out a shirt to wear or looking for my air pod headphones that I misplaced.
Yeah, here I am still. Learning how to simply live. That’s just it. I’m not reliable. I don’t have strong goals and ambitions to be able to work towards because I’m new and learning. Forget about how old you are or where you’re supposed to be. I went through one of the most horrific experiences a child could go through. So yes. You are unique and your path is just a little bit steeper than others. That’s Okay. More than okay. That makes you a warrior having gone through some pretty fucked up battlefields and who’s now learning to live without that war.
So, in a sense. I’m done. Being unconfident. I was severely wounded. Pushed down. And made felt like I was worthless. That’s why I have no confidence. It was taken from me a long time ago, hidden, buried. It might not happen right away. But I know I can get to that point. Where my self-worth and confidence become whole again.
It may just shimmer on and off at the moment. Like a poorly lit candle in a smoky shed holding on by a thread. But it’s there. And those little milestones and seeds I continuously plant will in the end grow with time.
After all. I choose when to light up or dim down. I choose. To heal.
M.
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