A lot of emotional shedding lately and I’m wondering if I’ve fallen off the wagon. Or maybe it’s just this dark weather in June that has me in the feels.
Rightfully continuing to change the course of my life so I can stay in motion. So, I can. Be happy? So, I can. Find my “why am I still alive?” reasoning.
If we sit long enough in pain it becomes a farce.
To be honest I’m not sure what this blog is about. But I needed to write. Lately it’s been a lot of tears and a lot of reminders that accepting love is not my strength.
It was admitted to me recently that as a child, I was never hugged, told “I love you” or given any expressive emotion. In fact, it was the opposite. Constant screams of being told I was doing something wrong or being told what to do. Like a little soldier marching to the beat of command.
Hey there’s where that perfectionism and self-criticism comes from! Not much of a concern anymore. I have that awareness and management pretty spot on. (I think)
But that lack of love. That. Love.
It is what it is. Admitting I am a unique soul with severe walls that only a few get to be a part of. I only allow a few because I don’t know what to do with that kind of love and will inevitably destroy it once it’s too close to my home. So, I write to connect. Play songs to connect.
Maybe there’s an alcoholic anonymous version of this. Hi, my name is M. I cannot accept unconditional love. Good luck. Here’s a patch.
I’ve been shown short glimpses of real love. Not romantic fantasy love. But real unconditional love. And it’s painful. For me it’s so painful. To know that someone loves you in this way and not feel love back. It is a wave of hurt that only those who have experienced it know how deeply upsetting and debilitating it can be.
So much so that I’ve sworn off ever trying to “love” again. I’m trying my best to accept my reality and truth. The simple fact that I myself can love freely with limits. Does that even make sense? Like universal love and care for others.
But in relation to deeper emotions. That is something I’ll have to practice for the rest of my life.
Who knows. Maybe one day, if its not too late, I’ll know what it’s really like to hear “I love you” and feel loved.
What a blog. Oh well. My track record is dark depressive expression. Deal with it. Happy Tuesday!