Chaos Within

Blogs don’t write themselves. Here’s the thing, I’m not a planner. There’s a plus and minus to it. Spontaneity can be exciting, but it can also cause some unexpected hurdles. This time it fell through the cracks.

I envisioned my summer to be full of mixed martial arts training, creative writing, freelance work and travel. Mostly training to compete this year. I thought I was ready and couldn’t wait for it.

And then I got injured.

Not a specific injury like I initially thought. It was more like a physical body shut down in its entirety type of injury.


Timing is just the weirdest thing. Why Now?! And what does it mean?

Nothing most likely. It just means that I pushed too hard and didn’t recover after each session the right way.

Art by
Kumi Yamashita

So now I’m stuck without my addiction and get to suffer for it. Pretty dramatic. But it has been the only activity that allows me to breathe and clear my mind daily. Without it, I’ve reverted to an unhappy self.

I’m indecisive and negative. There’s “cant’s” and “won’t” in my daily vocabulary again. I’m in dislike with my own presence.

Usually I run away when it gets this bad. Like a teenager who wants attention and storms out of a room.

Sometimes I think that if I were to just have children, I would be forced to suck it up and tend to them. They would be my world and worth the sacrifice to nurture and love. Remember love? Like my boyfriend, he is love.

But wait. You need to be mentally capable and financially stable in order to raise a human being.

So, what’s left is this lingering self-hatred that just needs to evaporate already. Shut up. Stop with the why me tyranny. And perhaps you might find something worth living for. Like the universe.

The vast amount of empty space is more than just room for thought. What if it’s there to keep your mind open and clear? And the stars and galaxies are daily achievable milestones you can reach every second of every day that you decide to be okay.

As seen from Space – NASA

Forwards or backwards. No matter what. When you realize that the minute you look up at the sky directly above you. Especially at night. You realize there is always a star directly above you. No matter how far or close it is. It shines directly onto you no matter where you stand.

Suddenly, your problems aren’t as heavy as you thought they were. You wake up to your child’s laughter and smile. Drive patiently to your meeting and drink your coffee. Stand outside your home for a minute just to take a breather. Tune your guitar, pick up the damn thing, and play. All because you can, and you will. The universe said so.