I never thought I’d be roaming like this. Sleeping in random places and moving in between spaces with solitude of where to call my “home”.
Not looking for pity or attention. More so to bring light to a unique situation. That of a painful past and bright future. Now I understand why homeless become “homeless”.
You see my main trigger. Here it goes. “Breathe”. Is a home feeling. Yup. If someone or something or some place makes me feel safe and at home, I run.
I don’t trust it. In fact, I convince myself it’s wrong. Because most of my life that home trick brought me a great deal of abuse and sadness. Commence the toxic cycle. So, we begin the talk of why I love to travel, be “independent”, and “free”.
It’s the loneliest of lonely. But I’m learning to find a home in me because as much as we try, we can’t run from ourselves. We escape through song, dance, friends, jobs. But every night you lie in bed with yourself. You close your eyes and see yourself as clear as day. Nowhere to run.
Homeless people do just that. They’re not “ill” or “messed up”. They’re running. They slowly convince themselves they don’t need anyone or anything else and so they roam freely. Become severely lonely and isolated. But free.
I get that. And now I sit with it in meditation and music when I can. Because it’s a heavy truth. It’s been a heavy truth and I still can’t fully grasp that this is my life. That because X I carry a daily task to slow down. Remind myself that I am home. That home is safe and good to me. My friends and family are here for love and support. It’s GOOD. It’s okay to accept. Even if it feels painful and wrong. Like it’s going to wreck me and turn me into a puddle of mud. It’s not. I tell myself it’s not and that at little doses at a time I can accept these homes around me.
After all is said and done, the clock continues to tick and the sky remains endless. Who knows what can happen next. I’m more than ready to see what I’m capable of if I start to work towards worldly living goals at 100% full force. Imagine that? I’m not even in fully and have a track record of some pretty amazing shit.
So Love, Share. Fear. Love Anyway. And repeat.
M.
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