I’m not sure what I’m feeling
All I notice is the rush of angst running through my veins again. It’s 11PM and there’s a sense of confusion –
You see I’ve been in this ketamine treatment plan for about a month now. And I must say. The experience is vibrant. Out of this world and intense.
But I’m worried. Today feels doubtful and uncertain.
I know the signs before the signs of a full-blown panic attack. I also know the signs before the signs of a sweaty horrid flashback. And I’m told. Meditate. Breathe. Exercise. Eat right. Blah blah positive habits insert here.
But what happens when it all falls apart? And the advice just becomes meaningless words floating in the air with no chance of it becoming an action.
I met God on my very first trip on psychedelics. In a controlled setting mind, you
It was the most powerful out of body experience I have ever encountered in my life. Pure Beauty.
I can think back and search for that feeling. The longer time passes the harder it gets. Why can’t this physical world be exactly like that outer one?
It’s so clear now. My mind feels mine. But my body and emotions don’t know it yet.
So I’m here today. Waiting and questioning what my next step is.
Or wondering what questions I need to ask myself. So that I gain the best perspective possible and achieve serenity. Even if for a moment. Achieve it without ketamine.
Go towards it. Don’t run away. Well, I’m there and clueless as to what it means. It feels helpless and lonely.
It feels.
It
It = me
I am that feeling, and I am ready to heal. All I do is invest in myself. Some people buy homes and children. Not that you bought yours. But its an investment. I invest in my health. Physical and mental. What if it’s not enough? What if. This is the end of the line. All channels exhausted. Ready to tap out. Or ready to become one with God again. Maybe it’s time for both.
4 more trips.
M.